Without Mine. For Christmas.

Last year, my daughters spent Christmas Day with their fathers. It was their first time doing so. I would've never imagined this to take place a short while back.

At first, I thought being without my children on such a significant holiday would feel lonely. I couldn't have been anymore wrong. My first Christmas solo since becoming a parent was a relaxing. Knowing that my daughters were with their other halves was a delightful feeling. They were safe and surrounded by family.

Isn't that what the holiday season's about? Right.

I have yet to plan spending an "adult-only" holiday with my friends. Of course I could've made arrangements to do so long ago, but my guilty conscious about leaving my children behind has always bothered me. I'm sure they would've been fine with my family if I had gone out on such occasion.

There is something refreshing about my daughters being in the care of their dads. I understand what's out of my control and I'm cool with "it." I cannot tell these men what to do or how to be when my daughters are with them. They're their babies too and because the time spent is so limited, I think they all appreciate  their moments together. For my girls and I, it's break from one-another that's so necessary.

If it only happens for Christmas; we'll take it!

I don't get many presents on Christmas nor do I pass many out. The children (mine, friends/family) are usually who we shop for. When the budget allows, I'll go the extra mile to surprise others.

Guess who gets to sleep in on Christmas Day? Yes, me!

I'm so accustomed to going to bed late on Christmas Eve due to last minute Santa set-ups and such (laughing out loud). Sleeping in is a present alone. One that I cannot wait to take complete advantage of. Guilt-free because my daughters will be enjoying their time with their daddy's!

I thank GOD!!! :D

Dually Noted. Checklist!

My eldest daughter and I had a good time together last night while getting her all packed and ready for her 2-week winter vacation with her dad. I told her to create a checklist early in the day and she didn't want to do it. We had done this before; last year when she went to visit.

I found having a list as helpful. So I decided to create a list anyway since "Ms. Independent" supposedly had it all under control and refused to do it. My list proved itself necessary before we finished packing her luggage.

The list included 5 main categories: Undergarments, Season-Wear,  Sleep-Wear, Toiletries and Shoes. There were several other things that I did add to the checklist, which I thought "went without saying." I'm sure my daughter will be appreciative of my "OCD" tendencies when she gets settled with her dad.

She would have forgotten socks, her cellphone charger, amongst a number of "things" that I thought she had gathered. The bonding time between us was fun, but more importantly we both realized some "things." I was reminded just how very dependent my daughter really is. She realized it too.

Earlier in the day, I told her that I'd help her style her hair and she agreed. When she did comb her hair, she didn't ask for my help. I was a bit surprised. Only because I thought she was excited that I was willing to do it. This is a rarity. Combing hair is not my thing, but I do what I "can."

So I  almost trusted that she had herself covered. She's almost 14-years old. She knows what she needs for her trip, right? Right, but rarely do children double-check...

I'll credit efficiency to adulthood. Many teenagers do a fair job of being effective and on task in all areas of their lives. So many more excel with their parents continuous support. Whether our children recognize "it" or not!

STAY ON AND WITH THE CHILDREN AT ALL TIMES!!!

We Were. Busy Bees!

What an event filled day we had today...

When I awoke this morning at 7 a.m., I thought about blogging immediately because I knew that time might get ahead of me today. I didn't want to rush, but I am watching the time as I type. Go figure, right?

I had a surprise breakfast with my playbrother. Afterwards, my children and I went to pick up their schoolwork that's to be completed over the winter break. Then, we met with our aunt at her job for a brief moment... and a few other destinations!

Interesting? Well, yes. I was not feeling well at all yesterday. Oh, but today. A new day that my children and I, amongst so many other of our loved ones who've been blessed to move about within.

We had the energy of bees with all the moving around we did today. Who would've predicted this yesterday? I know! Only GOD!!!

Let's Remind. Ourselves!

I've had a rough week with everyone in my home being ill. Usually, it's 2/3 being sick, but for all of us to be under the weather simultaneously, has taken its toll on my mental state. I'm feeling a little grumpy and not feeling the Christmas spirit today.

Thank GOD, today is just one day! If I'm blessed to see tomorrow, I can begin my day with a renewed mind. It's something about Thursdays that has me in a funk...

Perhaps, it's because I'm so close to the weekend, but reminded that it's not quite the weekend on Thursday. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to welcome Thursday in a joyous manner. No matter what day of the week it is, it's still a gift from GOD.

My family is so blessed. Our little family of five; 3 humans (me+2 kids) + (1 dog+1 turtle). We are all alive and loved by one another. What more could I ask for?

We have a comfortable place where we live. The electricity and heat works well. Our refrigerator has ample food and so does the kitchen cabinets.

I am feeling better and my daughters are recovering from being ill. I suppose I'm anxious for all of us to be back to normal. In due time...

Why would I allow a bad day or a bad moment to overshadow the GREATNESS of GOD and HIS undeniable POWER? No excusable answer.

JESUS IS REAL!!! 

Heaven Mary. Never Forgotten.

Ms. Mary was a mother, wife, caretaker and the neighborhood "Big Mama." If not for she and her husband's rearing of my eldest daughter while I was trying to learn my place as a mother, I wouldn't have accomplished half of what I have at this point in my life. Ms. Mary and her husband James Swift (Jimbo) were like surrogate parents to me.

I really thought they'd be here forever, I guess. Never had I considered what I'd do as a parent without them. When I was 6-months pregnant with my youngest daughter, Ms. Mary suffered a heart attack caused by a blood clot and died in her backyard. I was devastated and my daughter's heart was broken.

On a day like today, memories of Ms. Mary and all that she and Jimbo did for me and my daughter weighs heavy on my heart. I remember when my youngest used to get sick I'd be nervous and unsure of the best ways to nurse her back to good health. All I had to do then, was pack up her clothes and take her over to Ms. Mary's. I'd bring her back home once she was well.

Yes, I'm aware that I had it made being able to do that.

My goodness do I miss them? So much. I suppose, that I needed to grow up eventually and be more responsible as a parent. For the most part, I can now credit myself for putting my children first and parenting in the best style I'm capable of. I really do try my best.

Ms. Mary is smiling on us I'm sure. My children are with me daily and I'm not trying to pawn them off on others. I used to be selfish. On several occasions, my eldest daughter wanted to remain in my presence, but I was always on the go back then. As long as she was safe, which I knew that she was with Ms. Mary and Jimbo, I had peace of mind while I was out on the go.

Jimbo did get to meet my youngest daughter before he passed away nearly 1-year after Ms. Mary. I was silly to think that if anybody went first, it would've been Jimbo because he was fighting cancer. It was Ms. Mary's love and tender care that kept him living. He didn't feel like he had much to live for after losing his wife of more than 25-years.

There are somethings about the two of them, that I'll always carry with me. Love supersedes ALL! No matter the circumstance they always had a smile on their faces. Ms. Mary never really asked me for anything. They weren't living a lavish lifestyle, but they were content with what they had and boy did they go the extra mile when it came to their little princess, my daughter. Not one birthday, special event and/or holiday went unacknowledged.

When I needed them, they were always there. If I had known any better, I would've spent so much more time with them and my daughter together. I'm feeling so sensitive at this moment as I reflect on how much they meant to me.

I cannot stand to cry and I'm unwilling to admit that I am right now. Guess I'm just feeling like a baby because I'm ill. I can't be the baby because I have two looking up to me.

I'm forever grateful for the guidance of my surrogate parents. It's also because of them, that I will remain determined and continue fighting towards success. I miss Ms. Mary and Jimbo. Heavily today!

Hope is not gone, nor is it lost.

Handle That! Phone Call.

I was frustrated earlier today when I was told by my daughter's new health care provider, that she couldn't be seen. As a new patient, she's required to have a physical and they don't take walk-ins. I'm sure they could tell, that I didn't have any interest in formal procedures. A doctor somewhere, was going to see my daughter today. Period.

She's been home ill for 2-days now. I just took my youngest daughter to the doctor as a walk-in yesterday evening. My children have always had the same doctor until just recently. We received my eldest daughter's new health insurance card in the mail last week.

It did surprise me to receive the new card with a new primary physician and location. I did not make this request and I know that we have the right to select/change our HMO provider at anytime. Something told me to call the health insurance company at that very moment when I opened the envelope, but did I? No.

My eldest daughter will be spending the Christmas and New Year holidays with her dad and she leaves this coming Monday. I thought best as a precaution, to just take her to the doctor today to make sure her symptoms are only cold/flu symptoms and nothing more serious.

After being turned away by the new provider, I asked if they could refer us to somewhere that I could take her where she'd be seen today. I wanted to be sure that wherever we went would be covered under the health plan that was selected for her.

In the past, I wouldn't have thought beyond just getting her to a doctor. As I think about how I'll get out of debt, I'm conscious enough to do what I can and not accrue any new unnecessary debt. If I had taken my daughter just anywhere, it's likely that I would've gotten a medical bill in the future (even though we have health insurance).

"I should've made that call that day" is what I was saying out loud to my daughter as we exited the medical building. Reality set in before we walked to the vehicle. I decided to call the 1-800 number on her insurance card before going to urgent care so at the very least, on her next doctor's visit we could see her usual physician.

The insurance representative was so helpful. At the top of the call, I expressed how unhappy I was about the situation. I needed to make sure that my daughter would have verifiable medical coverage today, if I initiated any changes to her health plan within the call. The representative understood my concern and made the necessary changes. All in about 10-minutes!

Off to her regular doctor's office we went. Everything went smoothly and I found out, had I just gone to them first, they had the ability to change her health plan there in their office. Learning never ends.

Thankfully, all she has is a stomach virus that no medication can be prescribed for. Light diet and lots of rest were the doctor's orders. She's all clear to vacation with her dad.

-I will work harder at being more diligent and responsible with my family's needs!

Gut Feelings. Instinctual Reactions.

As I think about some of the choices I've made, I'm okay with them. Even those, that afterwards felt like I had made a mistake. Simply because I have a natural tendency to keep it moving regardless. I don't wallow in sorrow or throw pity-parties.

If the aftermath of a choice that I've made breeds unpleasant results, I just deal with it. Considering the aftermath for too long before making a decision only influences me to straddle the fence. I'm about taking chances while understanding the risks involved.

It's usually my intuition that tells me whether or not to take a risk. If it goes well, awesome. If not, why? I may not expose every answer accurately, but I'll learn from what I find.

Towards the end of last year, I made the decision to move my family from the single occupancy apartment building that we had lived in for nearly 5-years. My children were unhappy living there and so was I. My original plan was to stay put until I graduated. Graduation time was around the corner, but there was an internal tug on my spirit.

The thought of moving before my final semester tickled my soul. I began apartment searching when I had no money saved to move. I just knew that if had gotten approved to move somewhere, that everything would be okay. I was right!

Where my family resides now is where we're meant to be for the time being. I had driven by the place several times and wondered about it. Initially, I felt discouraged about applying for it because it's in residential neighborhood and it just seemed like I wouldn't qualify as a potential candidate.

After being rejected for a 1-bedroom apartment, I really felt discouraged. I almost convinced myself that I needed to follow my original plan and just wait. When I thought that I had accepted this fate, I passed by where we live now and something told me to inquire about it. The next day I parked, jotted down the number off of the for rent sign, then called.

I took my children with me to view the place 2-days later and once we saw the large living room and kitchen, we fell in love. We started pointing where we'd put this and that, whose room would be whose as we peaked out of windows imagining the place as ours. I prayed and claimed victory over all while in one of the bedrooms.

We moved in February of this year and I can't imagine where we'd be now, had I ignored my gut feeling. The transition hasn't been as smooth as I'd like, but it's working out gradually. The most difficult task was accomplished when I received my keys after signing the lease.

The Task? Trusting my instinct. Believing that it could happen. Exercising the necessary manpower.

GOD IS REAL!!!