I'm affected by numbers and days of the week. The 20th day of each month will forever remind me of the last Friday I spent with my mom in the physical form. I've decided today, that I will not allow sadness to run rampant within me on either. This happens to be the first Friday on the 20th since that landmark date in 2014.
Twenty is now a new number I'll use for lottery selections when I play. Friday's will remind me of an accomplished week and a semi-break until Monday returns. I'm proud of myself and I know that my mommy's angel is in my midst. Eight months ago to date I was reborn.
When I screamed as my mother's spirit ascended from her flesh it was just like my first cry when I was first born. In that moment, I was one with GOD. Otherwise, the medical staff would've probably had to admit me. I never allowed myself to imagine life without my mother or brother. At the mere thought, I used to tear up and had to rebuke that frame of thinking. I just knew that my mom was going to be an old lady I'd be responsible for and I suppose I kind of thought my brother would get life in prison if he didn't leave the gang life behind.
Man was I wrong! So very wrong in my small human thinking. The LORD has bigger plans for my time. Not only was my mother spared from months, possibly years of suffering; I was spared the burden of putting my life on hold to care for my ailing mom and also, from the obligation I would've felt towards by brother had he ended up in prison for life. I am free. Free to be the woman I'm evolving as without being inhibited.
I was raised in a very controlled environment. Even into my adulthood I've been overly concerned about what my mother would say about my decisions and actions. I've taken a break from regular church attendance in order to rid myself from being concerned with what the saints might say or advise me to do. I'm ONLY following demands and orders from the MOST HIGH. Period. I don't have to answer to man and I will no longer seek human approval. Over "that" completely now.
I'm finally growing up at 37-years young! There will be no more drama running to mom and no more big brother to the rescue. I miss them immensely, but sadness doesn't overrule the lifetime of lessons and love I received which I'll keep locked inside my heart forever.
Right now I'm being made ready for my lifemate as I continue to do my best raising my children as a single mother. I'm in no hurry. During this season of preparation I'm finding myself again. I've been operating on autopilot for so long I had almost forgotten how to just live. I'm happily learning how to all over again and remembering how much I love myself. "It" feels fresh and brand new.
Today is now and at "this" present moment I am blessed.
20th - FRIDAY
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