I don't really have time to be here today.
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Around Here. Touching Hearts.
For the second time in less than a month, I've caused a woman whom I don't even know to shed tears. The first was a vibrant young lady, probably all of 18-years old. I went to sandwich spot called California Steak and Fries while my eldest daughter was at her tumbling class. She was the cashier there and full of personality.
For some odd reason, she began sharing stories with me about her cute boyfriend and an ugly one. Laughing within. She tickled my heart with her forwardness and I found myself not wanting to leave, but my daughter looks forward to me watching her practice so I had to jet out. I even told my children about "this" young lady.
The next week while on our way from my daughter's tumbling class I stopped by the sandwich spot again. I was hungy. Not that hungry, but I wanted to see if the sweet young lady was there and she was. I was happy to see her as if I really knew her. I asked her about her boyfriends and she said, "that" she let go of the cute one and replaced him. She told me how the ugly one was getting on her nerves and "that" she was going to replace him too. "This" little lady!
I guess "this" particular night was my night to share. I pulled up my younger daughter's fan page to show her how we had made some attempts towards getting her exposed to the entertainment industry. She made some suggestions and said we should just create a youtube channel with some interesting content instead of going the cattle call route. She said her former cute boyfriend was Instagram-famous and if we wanted, she could get him to shout my daughter out. I appreciated her enthusiasm, but we're on hold until further notice with "that" pursuit.
I inquired about her family and she said she was a middle sister of three girls and two boys. I said to her, "You all probably drive your mother crazy." I forgot what else, but I asked another question about her mother then she said her mother had passed away from breast cancer last December. I shared with her how I lost mine in 2014 to lung cancer. I told how abruptly "it" all happened and she began to tear up, which caused me to do the same. I beckoned for her to come from around the counter so that I could hug her and we cried together for a brief moment. "It" was an embrace "that" I believe both our hearts needed. Whether I ever see her again, I'm forever touched by her sweet spirit and strength.
The second occurance happened just about an hour ago. My youngest daughter and I were shopping inside of a Family Dollar discount store searching for some items for her school project. The place was cluttered inside and there was a long line with only one cashier. After finding what we needed, we got in line. "It" moved fairly quickly, however, some of the people in line were a little impatient.
One very ignorant man walked up to the front of the line and very rudely, asked the cashier, "You mean to tell me, you're gonna have me stand in this long line and it's only one cashier?" The cashier replied calmly, "I'm sorry sir there's only one other cashier and I sent her to lunch, plus she's new." The man responded, "So that's the answer?" She said, "Unfortunately sir, yes."
If the expression on his face was a loaded gun, she would've been shot. He signaled to his friend to come on and as he walked toward the door he said to the cashier, "Time is money. By the time I make it up there to you, you'll owe me money." The nerve! This man was dirty and had a whole lot of nerve being so disrespectful towards "this" woman. As he and his friend walked out of the store we were next up. I said to the woman, "GOD Bless you working here. I couldn't put up." I thought, that she began to appear flushed and when I looked up at her to grab my receipt, tears were streaming down her face. I told her don't cry, just pray and look for other jobs; to try temp-agencies.
As we walked out, my daughter said, "that's sad." I agreed. When we got into the car I felt so bad for the woman knowing all "that" she must put up with working there. I sat in the car for a moment thinking about what I could do to help her. I did the only "thing" I could, which was write down my contact information, the name of the temp-agency I worked for, and noted that I could help her with her resume if she wanted. I went back into the store and she still hadn't totally regained her composure, but I got her attention anyhow and passed her my little note. She took "it" and said thank you.
I'm glad the man left, but the entrance to the place is on the side, not facing the street and there was no security guard present. Just cameras throughout the store and probably in the parking lot. Bottom line, the location is not safe, especially for a woman to be manning the place alone. I'm strongly considering making an attempt to get in contact with the owner on her behalf, but the complaint is mine and mine alone. I wouldn't want to jeopardize her job. It's obvious she needs "it."
Why else would she subject herself to "that" treatment working there? Yes, I witnessed just one situation, but I saw deeper pain in her eyes and I wanted to remind her "that" she has options no matter how far-fetched the possibilities may seem at "this" present time.
For some odd reason, she began sharing stories with me about her cute boyfriend and an ugly one. Laughing within. She tickled my heart with her forwardness and I found myself not wanting to leave, but my daughter looks forward to me watching her practice so I had to jet out. I even told my children about "this" young lady.
The next week while on our way from my daughter's tumbling class I stopped by the sandwich spot again. I was hungy. Not that hungry, but I wanted to see if the sweet young lady was there and she was. I was happy to see her as if I really knew her. I asked her about her boyfriends and she said, "that" she let go of the cute one and replaced him. She told me how the ugly one was getting on her nerves and "that" she was going to replace him too. "This" little lady!
I guess "this" particular night was my night to share. I pulled up my younger daughter's fan page to show her how we had made some attempts towards getting her exposed to the entertainment industry. She made some suggestions and said we should just create a youtube channel with some interesting content instead of going the cattle call route. She said her former cute boyfriend was Instagram-famous and if we wanted, she could get him to shout my daughter out. I appreciated her enthusiasm, but we're on hold until further notice with "that" pursuit.
I inquired about her family and she said she was a middle sister of three girls and two boys. I said to her, "You all probably drive your mother crazy." I forgot what else, but I asked another question about her mother then she said her mother had passed away from breast cancer last December. I shared with her how I lost mine in 2014 to lung cancer. I told how abruptly "it" all happened and she began to tear up, which caused me to do the same. I beckoned for her to come from around the counter so that I could hug her and we cried together for a brief moment. "It" was an embrace "that" I believe both our hearts needed. Whether I ever see her again, I'm forever touched by her sweet spirit and strength.
The second occurance happened just about an hour ago. My youngest daughter and I were shopping inside of a Family Dollar discount store searching for some items for her school project. The place was cluttered inside and there was a long line with only one cashier. After finding what we needed, we got in line. "It" moved fairly quickly, however, some of the people in line were a little impatient.
One very ignorant man walked up to the front of the line and very rudely, asked the cashier, "You mean to tell me, you're gonna have me stand in this long line and it's only one cashier?" The cashier replied calmly, "I'm sorry sir there's only one other cashier and I sent her to lunch, plus she's new." The man responded, "So that's the answer?" She said, "Unfortunately sir, yes."
If the expression on his face was a loaded gun, she would've been shot. He signaled to his friend to come on and as he walked toward the door he said to the cashier, "Time is money. By the time I make it up there to you, you'll owe me money." The nerve! This man was dirty and had a whole lot of nerve being so disrespectful towards "this" woman. As he and his friend walked out of the store we were next up. I said to the woman, "GOD Bless you working here. I couldn't put up." I thought, that she began to appear flushed and when I looked up at her to grab my receipt, tears were streaming down her face. I told her don't cry, just pray and look for other jobs; to try temp-agencies.
As we walked out, my daughter said, "that's sad." I agreed. When we got into the car I felt so bad for the woman knowing all "that" she must put up with working there. I sat in the car for a moment thinking about what I could do to help her. I did the only "thing" I could, which was write down my contact information, the name of the temp-agency I worked for, and noted that I could help her with her resume if she wanted. I went back into the store and she still hadn't totally regained her composure, but I got her attention anyhow and passed her my little note. She took "it" and said thank you.
I'm glad the man left, but the entrance to the place is on the side, not facing the street and there was no security guard present. Just cameras throughout the store and probably in the parking lot. Bottom line, the location is not safe, especially for a woman to be manning the place alone. I'm strongly considering making an attempt to get in contact with the owner on her behalf, but the complaint is mine and mine alone. I wouldn't want to jeopardize her job. It's obvious she needs "it."
Why else would she subject herself to "that" treatment working there? Yes, I witnessed just one situation, but I saw deeper pain in her eyes and I wanted to remind her "that" she has options no matter how far-fetched the possibilities may seem at "this" present time.
"Where there's a will, there's a way."
#PrayingForUsAll
Friday, March 11, 2016
Nineteen Years Ago. "This" Date.
I was 19-years old. I almost accidentally checked out of life due to personal lack of self-control and rage during a moment... which eventually passed. The experience changed me. I'll have to say for the better. Had I not gone through suffering the consequences of such behavior "that" day; there's no telling what today for me, would be.
"It" may have been around "this" very hour on March 11, 1997. I remember waking up in the intensive care unit at Daniel Freeman Memorial Hospital, hooked up to monitors with my family surrounded around me. I remember exactly what my mother and brother said to me. My mom said, that I had been in surgery a long time. My brother asked me who was involved and told me he would go blow up the spot...
"It" may have been around "this" very hour on March 11, 1997. I remember waking up in the intensive care unit at Daniel Freeman Memorial Hospital, hooked up to monitors with my family surrounded around me. I remember exactly what my mother and brother said to me. My mom said, that I had been in surgery a long time. My brother asked me who was involved and told me he would go blow up the spot...
###
Time really does fly by.
I love & miss them... They each equipped me with the strength and courage to stand. As I do now.
Life checked me.
GOD Saved Me!!!
#LessonsLearned
*Daniel Freeman Memorial Hospital's emergency staff were on task, highly-skilled in their medical professions and helped to save my life. They also helped me give birth to new life and assisted with saving hers. How could a place like "this" close?
It's all about the money.
Monday, February 1, 2016
My Black History: Day 1
Defining My Black
What am I? Black or African American?
I've debated with folks about trying to differentiate the two, but If I'm forced to choose, I can tell you.
I AM A BLACK WOMAN.
To date, I haven't been interested enough in tracing my family tree to its original roots, but with knowledge passed on by some of my elders from my mother's side of the family, we're linked to the Cherokee Indian Tribe. I don't know a single African member of my family. It's no one's fault. Just a fact.
The Black vs. African American argument can get complicated, but for me it's quite simple. I won't state it here, but I can't omit how the "N-word" plays a significant role in "this" as well. I'll explain further.
In a former Cultural Pluralism class I took at CSUDH one of my classmates got into a heated discussion with our professor about his personal experiences interacting with Africans in America who were originally born in the Motherland. He said, that he was looked down upon by Africans as an African-American man born in America and because of "this" he doesn't consider himself African-American, but a Black-American. He went on and on about how Black-Americans are perceived by Africans as ignorant Americans who don't know their history without any real connection to Africa.
Of course, his experiences don't define mine, but Africans, African-Americans and Black folks, have a continuous problem, that other's can't fix for any of us. The onus is on us. There are no ifs, buts, or any way around "this."
I wish there wasn't so much residue still present from the times of slavery. I wish "that" none of us possessed the "(house) N-word or (field) N-word" mentality; let alone, the existence of the word in any dictionary. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream and I have wishes.
Blackest vs. the not-so Black = N-word vs. African-American.
We divide ourselves. I recall being in the 7th grade when I first learned, that I was a "light-skinned" Black girl. Before then, I only knew "that" I was Black and stemmed from a Black family. Being labeled as such brought on a lot of confusion and the need to defend myself as a real Black girl, but why?
How dare anyone discount my belonging to Blackness, simply because I have lighter skin? That's how I felt then and still, now. I'm more attracted to darker skin, however, Black is Black as far as I'm concerned.
I'm not mixed; both my parents: Black. It's not just "something" I identify as. "It" is how I was born.
One of my childhood bestfriend's is a dark-skinned chocolate beauty. I used to have a hard time believing her when she said her mother treated her lighter-skinned siblings better. Until, her children shared their own experiences with me about how differently they're treated by their grandmother. "It" seems unreal, but unfortunately, it is and her family isn't the only Black family guilty of influencing the division present in our culture.
Black people are an ethnic group. African-Americans are those whom haven't traced their roots of origin, but were born here in America and simply accept the identifier-label as a Black individual. The exception: Africans born to American parents or those who are actually mixed, having one African parent and the other, American. All Black folks regardless of their origin, were referred to as "N-words" at some point in history and even in some cases still, today.
Do I use the "N-word?" When speaking in slang, which is my native tongue, and only in conversations with people who comprehend my language. For others, I'm aware "it" offends, therefore, I exercise courtesy and consideration of their feelings by refraining from using "it" in their presence.
Words are as powerful as we make them and allow them to be. I am much more concerned with how people treat me versus what's said. Words have meanings, but don't define anything substantial without action.
Back to the "N-word?" I had an argument a few years ago with a man I was dating who tried to convince me, that there's a difference between a "N-word" and being Black. In a nutshell, all the examples he used to make references to what a "N-word" is offended me on several levels because I fell into some of those categories. He wasn't bold enough to say "it" to me directly, but he insinuated that "N-words" come from disadvantaged backgrounds, generations of ignorance, and aren't capable of acclimation. Remember, slang is my native tongue so what he was attempting to state or how I interpreted "it" was simply, that "N-words" come from, live-in and act "ghetto." Not Black people.
...To be continued on Day 2.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Living & Caring. Loving & Sharing.
Last week, while I was organizing some items I found a white board I had forgotten about. I decided to hang it up on the wall in our hallway, which connects our two bedrooms and bathroom. Initially, I was going to allow my youngest daughter to use it as her personal drawing board.
After observing how my daughters were competing with one another erasing what the other drew and personalizing their stuff with their signatures, I decided "that" the board should be used for a better purpose. A few days ago, I erased the board and wrote the following.
"Do not write on this white board unless you buy your own dry-erase markers or make a contribution towards the purchase of one." I'm so much like my mother. Laughing within.
I told my girls, that they were being wasteful by doodling on the board and if they wanted to continue doing "that" they'll have to furnish their own markers. Come on. I only have two. Yes, I said I. It's mine and I was simply sharing it with them. Seriously.
So, on my youngest daughter's birthday, I took it upon myself to erase my bold statement and created a happy birthday message on the board for her to see as soon she got up "that" morning. Would you know, I had to bring it to her attention first? Apparently, she was on the hunt searching for presents and completely overlooked my sweet and thoughtful art-piece.
I wish that I could post a picture of "it," but due to my lack of self-control the other day with my old iPhone, the picture is irretrievable because it was taken with "that" phone. Dang "it."
The morning after my daughter's birthday she erased my birthday message and drew her own thank you message. A complete disregard to my new rule, but what monster would enforce such upon a kind-thinking 10-year old? So, I let it be, but then of course my eldest had "something" to say about "it."
I came up with a better solution for the white board display in our home. I told my daughters, that we should be posting uplifting quotes & statements on "it." Some "thing" we can all read and appreciate; possibly carry with us throughout our day and perhaps, share with others. My eldest took the lead the same night I had my meltdown and decided to write out a positive quote referencing how we have the freedom to choose between being a prisoner of our pasts or be pioneers of our future.
I told her I had heard "that" quote before and she tried to take credit, but it's still a great start because it kept me thinking. Positively. The next day my youngest posted her own quote suggesting that we do something to help someone. We have a little momentum building with "this." I posted my own quote last night as today's statement. See below.
After observing how my daughters were competing with one another erasing what the other drew and personalizing their stuff with their signatures, I decided "that" the board should be used for a better purpose. A few days ago, I erased the board and wrote the following.
"Do not write on this white board unless you buy your own dry-erase markers or make a contribution towards the purchase of one." I'm so much like my mother. Laughing within.
I told my girls, that they were being wasteful by doodling on the board and if they wanted to continue doing "that" they'll have to furnish their own markers. Come on. I only have two. Yes, I said I. It's mine and I was simply sharing it with them. Seriously.
So, on my youngest daughter's birthday, I took it upon myself to erase my bold statement and created a happy birthday message on the board for her to see as soon she got up "that" morning. Would you know, I had to bring it to her attention first? Apparently, she was on the hunt searching for presents and completely overlooked my sweet and thoughtful art-piece.
I wish that I could post a picture of "it," but due to my lack of self-control the other day with my old iPhone, the picture is irretrievable because it was taken with "that" phone. Dang "it."
The morning after my daughter's birthday she erased my birthday message and drew her own thank you message. A complete disregard to my new rule, but what monster would enforce such upon a kind-thinking 10-year old? So, I let it be, but then of course my eldest had "something" to say about "it."
I came up with a better solution for the white board display in our home. I told my daughters, that we should be posting uplifting quotes & statements on "it." Some "thing" we can all read and appreciate; possibly carry with us throughout our day and perhaps, share with others. My eldest took the lead the same night I had my meltdown and decided to write out a positive quote referencing how we have the freedom to choose between being a prisoner of our pasts or be pioneers of our future.
I told her I had heard "that" quote before and she tried to take credit, but it's still a great start because it kept me thinking. Positively. The next day my youngest posted her own quote suggesting that we do something to help someone. We have a little momentum building with "this." I posted my own quote last night as today's statement. See below.
Reasoning to think better, live better and be a better example for my children and others.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Two Days. Bye Nine.
Why not? Don't be nosey!
Out of respect for my children, I will not publish anything negative about their fathers. Yes, "that's" plural. I have two children by two different men, that I never married. So what. I'm not the first mother with this background and I won't be the last.
Judge me, not. Only GOD!!!
Judge me, not. Only GOD!!!
My eldest was beyond excited to become a big sister. She yearned for a little sister and blessedly, her wishes came true. My little family of two grew to three on January 23, 2006. I must admit, their relationship is nothing like I imagined it'd be.
Each share my personality, but to the extreme in some areas with one not speaking out enough and the other talks a lot... Very much. One is quite stingy and the other is a bit too generous. They're both beautiful, intelligent and talented. Like me. ;)
With a 7 1/2-year age gap, we've faced our share of challenges, even though we've been a household full of estrogen. It's been difficult scheduling family outings and deciding where to go, because my daughter's preferences and levels of understanding, land on separate moons. I know, that they love one another, but they don't regularly exercise much patience towards each other and too often, I find myself playing referee between them.
One wants to do "this" and the other wants to do "that." One is too mature for "this" and the other too young for "that." One wants to bring a friend along because her sister brought a friend the last time. Oh, it goes on and on... Let's just be reminded, that girl's are really something else; never satisfied.
My youngest has been eyeing her first double-digit birthday since she was 5-years old. She's only grown more anxious about it over the passing years because I told her the next birthday party she'd have, would be when she reached ten. So here we are, finally.
"This" year, beyond her birthday a big change will come. Still, a family of three we'll remain, however, it'll be just she and I in our household when she begins the 5th grade once summer's over. "Things" will become quite different. I'm looking forward to it because as a single parent with two children, it's challenging balancing fairly between them.
The little one will soon get to experience what it feels like to be an only child within our household. I know that I shouldn't, but I've felt guilty about not being able to provide them both with everything they want and deserve. I've done my best thus far acting as a fair parent, but I haven't been in the position financially, to do a lot of the "things" my eldest experienced having me one on one for the first 7 years of her life.
The little one will soon get to experience what it feels like to be an only child within our household. I know that I shouldn't, but I've felt guilty about not being able to provide them both with everything they want and deserve. I've done my best thus far acting as a fair parent, but I haven't been in the position financially, to do a lot of the "things" my eldest experienced having me one on one for the first 7 years of her life.
So... On behalf of my youngest daughter, goodbye 9. Welcome 10. It's time for the little one to get her's in!
Friday, February 20, 2015
Twentieth. Friday.
Numbered days for each month and names for each day...
I'm affected by numbers and days of the week. The 20th day of each month will forever remind me of the last Friday I spent with my mom in the physical form. I've decided today, that I will not allow sadness to run rampant within me on either. This happens to be the first Friday on the 20th since that landmark date in 2014.
Twenty is now a new number I'll use for lottery selections when I play. Friday's will remind me of an accomplished week and a semi-break until Monday returns. I'm proud of myself and I know that my mommy's angel is in my midst. Eight months ago to date I was reborn.
When I screamed as my mother's spirit ascended from her flesh it was just like my first cry when I was first born. In that moment, I was one with GOD. Otherwise, the medical staff would've probably had to admit me. I never allowed myself to imagine life without my mother or brother. At the mere thought, I used to tear up and had to rebuke that frame of thinking. I just knew that my mom was going to be an old lady I'd be responsible for and I suppose I kind of thought my brother would get life in prison if he didn't leave the gang life behind.
Man was I wrong! So very wrong in my small human thinking. The LORD has bigger plans for my time. Not only was my mother spared from months, possibly years of suffering; I was spared the burden of putting my life on hold to care for my ailing mom and also, from the obligation I would've felt towards by brother had he ended up in prison for life. I am free. Free to be the woman I'm evolving as without being inhibited.
I was raised in a very controlled environment. Even into my adulthood I've been overly concerned about what my mother would say about my decisions and actions. I've taken a break from regular church attendance in order to rid myself from being concerned with what the saints might say or advise me to do. I'm ONLY following demands and orders from the MOST HIGH. Period. I don't have to answer to man and I will no longer seek human approval. Over "that" completely now.
I'm finally growing up at 37-years young! There will be no more drama running to mom and no more big brother to the rescue. I miss them immensely, but sadness doesn't overrule the lifetime of lessons and love I received which I'll keep locked inside my heart forever.
Right now I'm being made ready for my lifemate as I continue to do my best raising my children as a single mother. I'm in no hurry. During this season of preparation I'm finding myself again. I've been operating on autopilot for so long I had almost forgotten how to just live. I'm happily learning how to all over again and remembering how much I love myself. "It" feels fresh and brand new.
I'm affected by numbers and days of the week. The 20th day of each month will forever remind me of the last Friday I spent with my mom in the physical form. I've decided today, that I will not allow sadness to run rampant within me on either. This happens to be the first Friday on the 20th since that landmark date in 2014.
Twenty is now a new number I'll use for lottery selections when I play. Friday's will remind me of an accomplished week and a semi-break until Monday returns. I'm proud of myself and I know that my mommy's angel is in my midst. Eight months ago to date I was reborn.
When I screamed as my mother's spirit ascended from her flesh it was just like my first cry when I was first born. In that moment, I was one with GOD. Otherwise, the medical staff would've probably had to admit me. I never allowed myself to imagine life without my mother or brother. At the mere thought, I used to tear up and had to rebuke that frame of thinking. I just knew that my mom was going to be an old lady I'd be responsible for and I suppose I kind of thought my brother would get life in prison if he didn't leave the gang life behind.
Man was I wrong! So very wrong in my small human thinking. The LORD has bigger plans for my time. Not only was my mother spared from months, possibly years of suffering; I was spared the burden of putting my life on hold to care for my ailing mom and also, from the obligation I would've felt towards by brother had he ended up in prison for life. I am free. Free to be the woman I'm evolving as without being inhibited.
I was raised in a very controlled environment. Even into my adulthood I've been overly concerned about what my mother would say about my decisions and actions. I've taken a break from regular church attendance in order to rid myself from being concerned with what the saints might say or advise me to do. I'm ONLY following demands and orders from the MOST HIGH. Period. I don't have to answer to man and I will no longer seek human approval. Over "that" completely now.
I'm finally growing up at 37-years young! There will be no more drama running to mom and no more big brother to the rescue. I miss them immensely, but sadness doesn't overrule the lifetime of lessons and love I received which I'll keep locked inside my heart forever.
Right now I'm being made ready for my lifemate as I continue to do my best raising my children as a single mother. I'm in no hurry. During this season of preparation I'm finding myself again. I've been operating on autopilot for so long I had almost forgotten how to just live. I'm happily learning how to all over again and remembering how much I love myself. "It" feels fresh and brand new.
Today is now and at "this" present moment I am blessed.
20th - FRIDAY
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