My Black History: Day 17.

Dysfunctional Family...

Growing up in a family with accepted dysfunction has kind of warped my perception about my place in mine. While I'm in the process of evaluating what my family has been, what they are, and what I hope family for me will become, I've decided, "that" I will not accept dysfunction as the norm any longer.

When I was a little girl, I always knew "it" was wrong for someone to offend me without making some type of amends. Yes, I forgive, but no, I don't forget. I'm a bit slow forgiving, but I do eventually, come around.

I'm thinking heavily about "this" subject matter because the only people whom I've allowed to remain active in my life, who've offended me without taking any kind of action to resolve the issues, are none other than... Yep; family.

My mother was the queen of dysfunction. She would provoke me, push every trigger-button and be completely aware, that she was being offensive. We'd get into "it" quite aggressively then part ways, whether it'd be her hanging up the phone in my face or me walking out of her home vowing to never return. So many countless occasions I am able to recall.

Then out of the blue with no apology and no insinuation towards one, she'd call casually as if nothing ever happened, to discuss something else or ask about something concerning her grandchildren and I'd follow suit. Or, I'd have a need and call for her assistance. No apology from me; just a request and if she obliged, then I was happy and we were cool again.

Just another unresolved issue swept under the rug...

Far too many conversations were never had between my mother and I. To this very day, I cut people out of my life without any explanation for doing so. I just go. Detach and keep "it" moving. "This" behavior had exclusively been shown to acquaintances and friends, but now I also, extend it to family.

I realize, that I allowed my mother to be as she was towards me because simply, she was my mother. I found it very difficult attempting to omit her from my life while she was alive because she raised me and I grew compassion for her once I became a mother. A single mother just like her and when my brother was murdered, I vowed to never leave her regardless of any offense she subjected me and/or my children to.

I kept that promise, but now "that" she's an Angel looking over us I'm demonstrating how I will not accept the same dysfunction from anyone else. No one. Not from my children, no best friend, no boyfriend/husband; absolutely no one. Granted, I may be a little dysfunctional myself, but I'm working attentively to improve some of my worst attributes. "It" begins with acknowledgement and trust, I'm very aware.

My extended family hasn't been much more than a holiday family. Hear from them for a holiday gathering invite and that's about "it." There's a class divide and my mama's little family of her own, being my brother, me, and our children seemingly fall low on the totem pole. I've grown to resent "this" and honestly, still do. So guess what?

Darn right! I cut them out of my life and do not fool with them period. Why? The LORD gave us the ability to choose and I choose to allow only those who choose to demonstrate, that they want to to be present in my life and accept me as I am. "This" is my choice and I can live with "it."

I am breaking the chains of dysfunctional acceptance in my family. Come or don't come at all, but if you do come, come correct and honorably, or be dismissed. Pressing forward, keeping "it" moving through "this" journey called life with the family bloodline or with a family-designed.

#MyPerspective

And So. I Thought.

I had what I was going to blog about all planned out. I mean, I've been thinking about "it" all day and even over the weekend, but oh! How a single moment can change anything. My mood this evening went from a happy yellow to a raging red.

Why?

I'm still sorting through my thoughts about "it." On my way home from work I stopped at the grocery store to get a few "things." When I finished paying for my groceries, I felt my cellphone vibrating in my pocket. My first thought was, that it must be my eldest daughter calling to ask me to pick her up so I made every effort to grab my phone and answer her call, but I couldn't.

Why not?

Well, when I looked at my phone as it vibrated continuously, the screen was dark. As if my battery had died or something. I know that I should've upgraded my phone within the past two-years at least, but I made the decision that I was going to use it until it became unuseable. Whatever the problem was causing my phone to vibrate was so persistent (extremely annoying), that it just vibrated all the way home, as I walked into the house (gladly, my daughter was there already), and kept on as began to try to get situated after coming in from a full work day. "This" was so distracting to say the least, but I'll share more...

I lost my cool. I wanted to destroy my phone because I was so frustrated with the vibrating noise and the fact, that I couldn't gain access into "it." Before I went off on my iPhone 4 (yes, it's 5-years old), I attempted to fix it by plugging it into the charger; that didn't work. I then asked my daughter how to remove the sim card, which she showed me and I got it out, but the bleepity-bleep phone was still vibrating. At "this" point I wanted to fight "it."

Why?

Ok, I'll admit "it." I've got some unchecked anger rooted in my upbringing, some personal setbacks, my status as a "babymama" (double-time), my economic struggle, not having control of my own time, lack of passion for the "things" that used to contribute towards my daily cheerfulness, feeling overwhelmed about all my responsibilities, and not being able to say exactly how I feel to some people for the sake of "saving face and keeping the peace."

Sometimes, we break ("things"). Tonight, I broke my phone. I am somehow, now able to write peacefully about "it," but my children were puzzled about witnessing my tantrum and asked if I'd "be ok." I assured them I would be, but I needed to get through "that" personal moment of despair. I wallowed in "it" for about 45 minutes, fussing about how upset I was at the phone and how "it" was messing up my night.

How did I give that piece of junk so much power over my mood?

I'm not sure, but I do know, that I was very immature with how I handled my frustration over a device. Needless to say, I'm not so into my phone "that" I can't live without "it." However, I'm a mother, I have a job, and folks that are concerned and care enough about me to call and/or text me.

How can they now?

They can still leave a voicemail message, but I won't know until I check. I'll no longer be alerted instantly. I'll miss texting.Yes, I'll replace the phone probably very soon, but I didn't have to make it an urgent matter.

Did I?

No, now "that" I'm thinking (instead of feeling so mad) it probably would've vibrated itself completely out of charge. Then maybe, just maybe, but I guess I'll never know now (silly-foolish me... not laughing, but smirking at myself). I could've recharged "it" and perhaps, it would've been fine. Now, I'm hoping, just hoping, that AT&T has magical powers to retrieve my data, which is now hammered into the deepest inside parts of the device, literally. Wouldn't believe, that I formerly kept "that" phone in tip-top condition and it still appeared new outside of the protective case.

What to do?

Admit my error: Done. Reckon with myself and move on: Currently in effect.

I'm no longer afraid to share my failures as my willingness "to do" so, helps me to better accept and consider my choices moving forward. I completely failed myself in the department of self-control tonight, but I also recovered. Totally, right here in "this" sacred space in time for me. Thank GOD!!!

How am I now? 

Still blessed and highly favored. Next!

One moment, each day at a time is the best way for me to find balance within myself and others.

Facebook Enables. We Allow.

I had an AWESOME birthday weekend! I really did!!! :)

I'm not sure that I would've received so many thoughtful birthday wishes if Facebook didn't exist. Many of my Facebook friends are people who I don't see on a regular basis and we use Facebook to stay in better contact. These are the same people who probably wouldn't remember my birth date if it weren't for the digital reminder that Facebook enables folks to see.

There were some people that I expected to see a post/message from. Some posts/messages that I received came from people who I least expected. Without an obvious action, it's easy to think that someone isn't paying much attention to your page. Aside from the 3rd party applications that supposedly reveals "top friends" who viewed my Facebook profile the most, how else would I measure that activity on my page?

On Facebook, unless someone posts directly on your page, likes a post/comment, comments or sends a friend request/message, one doesn't really know who's spending time on their profile page. One also doesn't know just how thoroughly an individual peruses their page or the length of time spent. Over time, I've observed some communication patterns between my Facebook friends and myself.

I use Facebook for the following 10 purposes:

• To get/remain in contact with the people I know or newly meet
• To witness how people "freeze time and moments" and share pictures publicly 
• To learn about some of the interests/adventures that people have
• To find out what people deem as important and newsworthy
• To see details about events
• To share my blog and some insight on my personal being
• To monitor/detect behavioral patterns of my "real-life" friends and family 
• To kill time when I'm bored 
• To communicate with people that I don't hang out with regularly or at all
• To be exposed to new creativity and information  

I love the access and instantaneous nature of Facebook. The only problem I've had with it is what I allow. On numerous occasions, I've logged into Facebook with the intention of being online for a short duration; something like between 15-30 minutes. Right... I'm learning to be more honest with myself about the attention that I give to Facebook. I get caught up in it and the time flies when I do. 

Knowing my own behavioral patterns on Facebook, I have to be reasonable with myself. If I have a busy agenda or I'm time constrained for some reason, I do not login to Facebook until my business is handled. Point blank. Exploring the Facebook community can be just as alluring as a Black Friday sale on payday. 

My Facebook profile only represents about 25% of my true character. That's an estimate. When I was on Myspace a few years ago, I became infatuated with the amount of Myspace friends that I acquired. I had over 1500 people on my friend list. Of them, only 200 were actual acquaintances, friends, family and/or coworkers. My diligent desire to be courteous and respond to all those who posted and/or sent me messages regularly became overwhelming. 

Why was I dedicating so much of my time sitting on my behind typing messages to strangers with no purpose? This question prompted me to shut down my MySpace account. I'm somewhere between the early majority and the late majority regarding Facebook. Due to my experience and what I allowed on MySpace, I wasn't very interested in joining Facebook initially.

Now that I do have a Facebook account, I monitor myself fairly well. I have exercised a lack of self-discipline with Facebook in the past, which has prompted me to "temporarily deactivate" my account twice. I did so because when I was in school and had finals, I'd login to Facebook unnecessarily and lose valuable study time. That was my fault with what I allowed and not Facebook's. 

Whoever came up with the idea to make it challenging to delete our Facebook accounts was a reasonable thinker. I'm so glad that when I "got over" myself and the attitude I had with Facebook's existence, that I could simply log back in to retrieve my page as it was when I abandoned it. Laughing out loud!

People just need to be mature and responsible with  the information that's shared. Facebook is only as bad as we let it be. It's such a great pathway to communicate otherwise. 

We should enable ourselves to be aware of what we allow so that we can take the proper actions to change what we feel is necessary!