In Just. Four Weeks.

I will have an adult child by legal standards in exactly 30 days. I keep reminding her, that as long as she lives in my household and as long as I live she will respect me as her mother. Her future husband, kids, colleagues and circle of friends will as well. 

Or else...!!!

Work Oriented. Becoming More.

I got official notice today "that" I'm beginning my very first day of employment on Monday. "It" is pretty incredible how quickly this company moved things along to "buy" me out from the temporary agency I've working for since 2012. I've been on several assignments and "this" opportunity is by far the best!

Paying nearly $600 in health coverage has been stressing me financially to say the least. I've waited until the very last day of the month to pay the premium because all month long I contemplate on paying "it." The penalty for not having health coverage is much cheaper than my monthly premium times 12, but I have active children and we just can't be without "it." So, I bite the bullet as much as "it" has pained me. Thankfully, next month should be the last month I pay out of pocket because I'll be eligible for full benefits come June 2016.

I almost forfeited "this" opportunity because I've gotten so used to just being a temporary worker. I've been operating with a nonchalant attitude and it's only due to my intellect and the need to provide for my little family, that I've succeeded "this" far. After being interviewed by the individual whom I'll be reporting to, I felt so much more comfortable about switching hats. I explained, "that" I was nervous, but knew the opportunity wasn't one to pass on.

There's "something" to be said for people in the workplace who notice my capabilities. I began "this" job by completing minuscule tasks such as xerox copying, scanning and data-entry, but I performed the tasks like a scientist with a cheerful hearted smile. Sure, I know they saw my resume and were aware "that" I could do much more. Eventually, they did begin to ask me "to do" other "things." The interviewer told me during our first discussion that my work performance and interactions with others was receiving rave reviews. "This" really touched my heart.

So many times, I wanted to be appreciated for who I am and most people are energized when they know other's believe in them. I know "that" I can excel with "this" opportunity so I accepted "it" gladly. Further, I'm aware "that" I can use some professional coaching and mentorship. There's a whole lot of brainpower where I work and I respect "that." I want to be a reliable contributor and GOD willing I will.

Thank you LORD!!! For creating me, loving me, guiding me, and putting my life on a purpose-filled path. Without you I can do nothing. The best "thing" my mother did for me was show me how honor and praise you. I am standing strong in faith with every passing moment of each day. Thank you LORD!!!

The Best Cousin. Quon.

The best cousin I've ever known. Wouldn't trade her for any other.

I love this little petite, chocolate, real-life china doll so much!!! She has a warrior's spirit and is the most self-encouraging person I know. When she's ready to share her own personal story she will. I can't rob her of the opportunity so I'll only share what she means to me. 

We met when we were in junior high school. She and her sister were pretty popular there. Quon embraced me immediately and we soon became inseparable. "This" woman has had my back since day one. Although, most of my upbringing has been in the hood, I was still quite naive in some areas, which made me very susceptible to becoming victimized by nonsense.

I had already experienced being bullied heavily and fights were waiting on me at "this" school. Quon inspired a great amount of bravery in my being. To stand tough on my own wasn't really my issue. Standing up against the negativity of the masses is where I faced some challenges and here, is where my cousin demonstrated a high level of concern for my well-being. 

As small as she was then, she had a mouth "that" spit fire like a dragon and no one would persistently bother her. I can't fail to mention how quickly her sister, my cousin Missy was to fight to defend her big-tiny sister. Kids from their neighborhood knew better than to mess with these two sisters and when they took me in, folks knew who I was related to so they didn't bother me either. Much of my own street-cred I owe to my big brother and cousins, Quon and Missy.

To date, she is still "something" like a warrior. She commands respect and gets "it." I recall a time when we were roommates and I couldn't get her to do what I wanted so we had a heated arguement. "It" escalated to the point where I felt we were better off going our separate ways and we did; for many years. Her forgiving heart led her to reach out to me by visiting my mother when she was alive. I was so stubborn, that I didn't acknowledge her efforts for a few more unnecessary years. 

I need my cousin in my life. I know "this" now more than ever. She is a rock. My rock solid family member. She accepts me with all of my flaws and doesn't mind sharing her opinion even if it makes me steaming mad. Laughing within. Through our relationship I've learned how to let go much better. I recover from being upset much quicker these days thanks to my beautiful cousin. I've seen how she does "it" and how much happier "it" makes her to move forward beyond offenses without holding a grudge against those "that" matter to her. She really is a real person. Like it or not, Quon is true to her person and does not live life as a phony made up character.

The LORD blessed me with "this" walking miracle to remain present in my life. Through her I see a whole lot of myself. We have matured into independent women together and I'm glad "that" Quon still remains relevant in my life.  

Resurrection Sunday 2016. Easter.

                   

 

           

Thank you JESUS!!!

GODFamily. Real Ones.

My GODmother Sharon took me in during my teenage years. I didn't live with her, but was able to visit whenever I wanted and she gave me "something" that I couldn't get from my biological family, which was trust. She trusted me in her home unsupervised. She allowed me to drive her car and her boyfriend's car. "This" was huge for me because she never made me prove myself to her. She took me as I was; embraced and complimented me about my character. Truly heaven sent into my life when every other door was closing in my face.  GOD is real!!! I love her. She's one of the greatest female role models in my life.

My GODsister Kaysh is the most beautiful, most loving, most generous and most compassionate person I have ever met. She's always been "this" way and still remains the same. With all the adversity she's faced and overcome, she exudes a genuine enthusiastic love for life itself. I'm talking about every living thing from people to animals, birds to amphibians, flowers to bugs, and so on. On countless occasions I've visited her in her home to find a new living creature she adopted by surprise. Laughing within. She is very creative with a sharp mind and quite disciplined in many areas. Raising her two sons as a single parent is her pride and joy. They're fine young men whom cherish their mother and are aware of the sacrifices she's made to provide them with a loving upbringing. She is the big sister I never had. I learned how to ride a two-wheel bicycle when I was 7-years old because she was patient enough to teach me and demonstrated how much she believed in me. There is absolutely no one like her. Not a soul. I'm forever grateful to know her as my GODsister and to be divinely connected regardless of time or space. I love her! We never skip a beat when we meet.

My GODsister Puma is cut from similar cloth as Kaysh. Puma is a poet and a rapper, but she'd probably prefer that I state her status as a rapper first. Isn't rap poetry of some sort? She and Kaysh are the ultimate funsters! I have had so much fun hanging out with them both and individually. Puma doesn't have any biological kids, but she's an aunt to all children. Very domesticated and highly protective of her loved ones, she keeps close watch on everyone and upkeeps her abode. She doesn't mind helping people and I love her as she is.

My GODsister UnkPep is the most down to earth soul one could meet. She's a self-employed barber, upcoming comedian and actor. She's an excellent conversationalist and has an intriguing mind. She's patient and always supportive of her family. She's one of the youngest looking nearly 50-year old's alive today. Seriously, she looks like she's still 30. She's fun too and one of the realest people in Los Angeles. We can agree to disagree, but never without love and respect for one another. I love her as she is.

My inherited mother MamaVonn is so cool. She has a humorous personality, but she doesn't take any mess. She was the first person ever, to come to my defense when my mother was being rude and disrespectful in the hallway of my old apartment building. Stern, but loving and concerned. Always kept an eye out for my children and our place. She's encouraging and believes in my abilities. I love her and PapaVonn, her husband.

Family is what you make and I love the design of mine. Thank you LORD for each one of them!!!

Nineteen Years Ago. "This" Date.

I was 19-years old. I almost accidentally checked out of life due to personal lack of self-control and rage during a moment... which eventually passed. The experience changed me. I'll have to say for the better. Had I not gone through suffering the consequences of such behavior "that" day; there's no telling what today for me, would be.

"It" may have been around "this" very hour on March 11, 1997. I remember waking up in the intensive care unit at Daniel Freeman Memorial Hospital, hooked up to monitors with my family surrounded around me. I remember exactly what my mother and brother said to me. My mom said, that I had been in surgery a long time. My brother asked me who was involved and told me he would go blow up the spot...

###

Time really does fly by.

 I love & miss them... They each equipped me with the strength and courage to stand. As I do now.  

Life checked me.

GOD Saved Me!!!

#LessonsLearned

*Daniel Freeman Memorial Hospital's emergency staff were on task, highly-skilled in their medical professions and helped to save my life. They also helped me give birth to new life and assisted with saving hers. How could a place like "this" close?

It's all about the money.

Spirit Food. Mr. CJ.

My playbrother is like a real brother, but seeing how I only had one biological brother whom was killed in 2003; I never want anyone to mistake either and I'll always keep my brother's memory alive by making mention of him.

There's an inside joke amongst those in my circle. They say, CJ and I are going to end up together. Laughing out loud and within. We know one another quite well, which is why I think it's pretty hilarious, that since we've been friends for so long other's think we should just "hook up" and become a couple. Neither of us would even consider jeopordizing our friendship on any attempt at becoming a couple.

CJ and I are exactly what the LORD wants us to be; friends. We share an honest friendship and a divine kinship. I learn a whole lot from him regarding the male perspective and he learns much about women through my personal insights. He has two younger sisters he grew up with so I take on the big sister role with him, although we're the exact same age; probably hours and minutes apart. We also share the same exact birthdate.

Aside from CJ being one of my most reliable friends, there are some milestones in my life where his presence will forever remain irreplaceable. He has a lifetime freedom pass into my life and he's definitely a VIP. I can't name every time or each occurrence where he's been dependable for not just me, but for my family as well because he's been here for me and my girls through almost everything.

He visited me in the hospital both times I gave birth. My daughters truly value him as their uncle. Every event we've invited him to, he attends. He's even surprised us with tickets to various outtings and performances. I can always count on him for a small loan when neeeded and he doesn't sweat me about the payback. He is listed as an emergency contact at both of my daughters' schools. By every account, he is my bestfriend, but I'm also very fortunate to count on him as my playbrother. He's the little brother I never had growing up and I love him just as he is!

Sidenote: He's a good man. One day he'll make a great husband and father to his own family. He loves the LORD with all of his heart and his daily actions are based upon "this" truth. Only GOD can fill him with the patience and understanding necessary to be categorized as a VIP in my life. I'm thankful, "that" he allows his cup to be filled with the Holy Spirit and for his willingness to deliver whatever/however accordingly.

I'm so blessed having him as a spiritual brother and to count on him as my friend. CJ is star in my world. I will cherish our friendship forever. 

#FACT

My Black History: Day 6.

Today, I'm remembering those who've influenced me most, but have gone on to glory.

My Black History: In Memoriam

Granny (My mama's mom) - I was only able to spend 7-years with you before you were called, but I'm forever grateful for the sweet memories, that just don't leave my mind and heart.

Mrs. Smith (6th grade gifted/choir teacher) - I know that love exists in the hood and not everyone stereotypes because you allowed me to be the person GOD designed me to be without judgement.

Spook (My big brother) - I believe in myself and my abilities because you reminded me, that I'm important.

Kristen (My classmate from Pasadena City College) - I can laugh at time because of you. I only knew you for a short period, but you shared some special moments and insights about family with me, that I'll cherish forever.

Mrs. Mary & Jimbo Swift (Caretakers of my eldest daughter/substitute parents) - I was able to pursue my goals of completing college because the two of you allowed me the break from time, that I needed as a young, single-parent trying to build a stable foundation for my little family.

Ma (My biological mother) - I possess the strength you instilled within me and I maintain because you taught me how to survive.

These seven individuals made a huge impact on my life. I remember them everyday. I will forever treasure the stories of our lives together and continue to honor you with thoughtful action. May all of your souls continue to rest peacefully with our Lord, Savior and Father!!!

#MyRockAngels4Life

My Black History: Day 2

I am proud to be a strong Black woman. It's taken me years to fully accept where I come from and how I was raised. In fact, I'm still settling into the total person I've grown into.

My mother moved our family all around Los Angeles. We were never homeless, however, we lived in predominantly, all Black and Mexican neighborhoods where we witnessed not only homelessness, but prostitution, heavy gang activity, and all sorts of misfortune. In these same neighborhoods, is where we also observed several miracles and gained roots of incomparable strength to live/thrive among "the survival of the fittest." 

To be blunt about "it" I was raised in the ghetto.

I had the best childhood outside of my home. My childhood friends also agree that we experienced some of our best memories growing up in the ghetto or what's commonly now referred to as, the hood. Now, when I was a little girl growing up in these highly disadvantaged neighborhoods, I didn't know there was an identifier-label placed upon our communities by outsiders and insiders who moved out, then chose to forget where they originally came from. 

Not all, but many insiders are ashamed of their upbringing and sugar-coat or flat-out lie about how/where they were raised. Outsiders usually speak from ignorance and fear when making derogatory statements about Black people from the hood or the hood, itself. 

I had an insider experience during my middle-school years. For the second half of my 7th grade year, my mother got a permit to transfer from the school district because she worked at the Veteran's Administration Memorial Center (VAMC) in West Los Angeles, which enabled my way out of the hood (for at least 8 hours during the week), while I was fighting often and being threatened daily at my home school. My brother experienced something similar during his middle-school years and when my mother didn't take action; he did, by joining a gang in order to have a support group when he was being threatened and jumped on by other gang members. I may have followed suit had I been forced to remain in my home school without any other options.

Thank GOD for His Holy intervention!!!

The new school was so different from my home school. The campus was clean. It was a diverse group of students. Here, is where I first remember interacting with kids whom were born in several different countries and spoke various languages. The competition between our egos was more about intellect than appearance.

Truth be told, I probably appeared like I lived in and came from the hood based upon my demeanor. I recall feeling embarrassed sometimes about where I lived versus my classmates. Some of my friends rode the school bus home to their neighborhoods on the westside. Back then, I so badly wanted to be a "westside-girl." A westside Black girl. Why?

Well, most of them were bourgeoisie. They lived in cleaner neighborhoods and had bigger homes with their own bedrooms; some had their own bathrooms. Their parents were married or divorced and many had relationships with their fathers. They were involved in extracurricular/social activities outside of school and home. I thought they had "it" made and "that" caused me to experience some moments of envy. 

Self-criticism and unfair comparisons about my family and others began to creep into my thoughts.

I wasn't totally honest about where I really came from with everyone who asked. Shamefully, I'm able to say now, I behaved like the insider who wished she could rewrite her history. "It" is more than satisfying accepting all that contributes towards who I am right now, today.

Gladly, I remember me.

America probably wishes too, that she could go back in time and approach uniting the states and we, as a people, differently.

...To be continued on Day 3.

I Am. Just Fine.

I am referring to more than just my appearance. Laughing out loud, but seriously, I know I'm ok. Just as I am. I feel so much closer to the spirit of my youth. The little girl who was full of energy, so very confident, mentally/physically strong, and enthusiastic about life in general. Far from "that" child now, but my character traits remain. Therefore, today I am better.

Tomorrow, I'm claiming excellence in advance.

I'm reminded of the soul GOD blessed me with and I feel great about "it."

And So. I Thought.

I had what I was going to blog about all planned out. I mean, I've been thinking about "it" all day and even over the weekend, but oh! How a single moment can change anything. My mood this evening went from a happy yellow to a raging red.

Why?

I'm still sorting through my thoughts about "it." On my way home from work I stopped at the grocery store to get a few "things." When I finished paying for my groceries, I felt my cellphone vibrating in my pocket. My first thought was, that it must be my eldest daughter calling to ask me to pick her up so I made every effort to grab my phone and answer her call, but I couldn't.

Why not?

Well, when I looked at my phone as it vibrated continuously, the screen was dark. As if my battery had died or something. I know that I should've upgraded my phone within the past two-years at least, but I made the decision that I was going to use it until it became unuseable. Whatever the problem was causing my phone to vibrate was so persistent (extremely annoying), that it just vibrated all the way home, as I walked into the house (gladly, my daughter was there already), and kept on as began to try to get situated after coming in from a full work day. "This" was so distracting to say the least, but I'll share more...

I lost my cool. I wanted to destroy my phone because I was so frustrated with the vibrating noise and the fact, that I couldn't gain access into "it." Before I went off on my iPhone 4 (yes, it's 5-years old), I attempted to fix it by plugging it into the charger; that didn't work. I then asked my daughter how to remove the sim card, which she showed me and I got it out, but the bleepity-bleep phone was still vibrating. At "this" point I wanted to fight "it."

Why?

Ok, I'll admit "it." I've got some unchecked anger rooted in my upbringing, some personal setbacks, my status as a "babymama" (double-time), my economic struggle, not having control of my own time, lack of passion for the "things" that used to contribute towards my daily cheerfulness, feeling overwhelmed about all my responsibilities, and not being able to say exactly how I feel to some people for the sake of "saving face and keeping the peace."

Sometimes, we break ("things"). Tonight, I broke my phone. I am somehow, now able to write peacefully about "it," but my children were puzzled about witnessing my tantrum and asked if I'd "be ok." I assured them I would be, but I needed to get through "that" personal moment of despair. I wallowed in "it" for about 45 minutes, fussing about how upset I was at the phone and how "it" was messing up my night.

How did I give that piece of junk so much power over my mood?

I'm not sure, but I do know, that I was very immature with how I handled my frustration over a device. Needless to say, I'm not so into my phone "that" I can't live without "it." However, I'm a mother, I have a job, and folks that are concerned and care enough about me to call and/or text me.

How can they now?

They can still leave a voicemail message, but I won't know until I check. I'll no longer be alerted instantly. I'll miss texting.Yes, I'll replace the phone probably very soon, but I didn't have to make it an urgent matter.

Did I?

No, now "that" I'm thinking (instead of feeling so mad) it probably would've vibrated itself completely out of charge. Then maybe, just maybe, but I guess I'll never know now (silly-foolish me... not laughing, but smirking at myself). I could've recharged "it" and perhaps, it would've been fine. Now, I'm hoping, just hoping, that AT&T has magical powers to retrieve my data, which is now hammered into the deepest inside parts of the device, literally. Wouldn't believe, that I formerly kept "that" phone in tip-top condition and it still appeared new outside of the protective case.

What to do?

Admit my error: Done. Reckon with myself and move on: Currently in effect.

I'm no longer afraid to share my failures as my willingness "to do" so, helps me to better accept and consider my choices moving forward. I completely failed myself in the department of self-control tonight, but I also recovered. Totally, right here in "this" sacred space in time for me. Thank GOD!!!

How am I now? 

Still blessed and highly favored. Next!

One moment, each day at a time is the best way for me to find balance within myself and others.

Yes LORD!!! I'm Enlightened.

Let me first give up a WOW! I've had a busy week and when it first began I wasn't sure what position I'd be in today. I am BLESSED. Have always been, but I'm coming out of a storm and I almost forgot how bright the sun IS.

Sometimes it's difficult to see the light shining through...

Everything that I hoped would take place this week has and beyond. I was hopeful that I'd be able to keep my word and pay my landlord this week. I prayed that I'd be able to pay the bills that I made payment arrangements for, which had due dates for today. GOD made me able!

I'm working with a lot more information to plan with now. I no longer feel like I'll make the hasty decision "that" I was thinking about. I didn't allow myself to fret and I'm not even concerned whether I will.

There's a creative force moving my actions. I'm letting "it" be. Motivation is present and so is my willpower "to do." I feel like a rekindled fire burning through all the madness.

I am really ready. I have dreams, but I recognize and accept, that they wont be accomplished my way. I can gladly say THANK GOD for "that."

Nothing is too difficult when being led by the DIRECTOR of LIFE and the TRUE LEADER of this world!!! 


LORD lead my path in the direction which you've destined me to go. I will not fight instruction. I will not be guided or misled by false news or images. Allow me to use my gifts and understanding to be a better messenger/communicator, listener/speaker, student/teacher, and any/every role that you authorize me to "stand-in."

AMEN