I've gotta let "this" out... I will not be overcome with emotion as I've thought. I'm doing "it." Today.
Before continuing with my blog as "it" was, I must first release "this." On June 20, 2014 at 10:45 a.m. I watched my mother stop breathing. Forever. I never knew I had the strength to stand beside her dying body as I found comfort in singing, "JESUS Love's Me" repeatedly to her for 36 hours. No one could've prepared me for the 8 days between her being admitted into the hospital and the final day I walked out of there facing my new reality; life without mom.
When my brother was killed at the end of 2003, losing him felt much different. I was angry most of all, but afraid and of no aid to my grieving mother. It was difficult being around her when it first happened because it made it all too real. I lived 20-something miles away and as long as I stayed away from my family, mainly my mother, I was able to deny the truth... Until, attending my brother's funeral on Dec. 13, 2003. I would've skipped it had it not been for my living need to confirm he was dead. I was no help at all to my mother during this time and she orchestrated his homegoing services with help from our church family and friends. THANK GOD for the
BETHANY PRAYER TEMPLE family!!!
It took years before I was able to travel by the street where my big brother took his last breath. I would intentionally go out of my way to avoid the streets that Angelus Rosedale Cemetary sits between where he and my mother's bodies final destination is. My mother had T-shirts made with a picture of my brother on the front that I tucked and hid from view for several years. The most difficult task for me was visiting the mother of his last two daughters; one born 2 days after his demise. I had taken my brother to visit her the month before and it was in her home where he resided that became the last place I'll forever remember seeing him alive. It took time. A lot of time before the grieving turned into healing.
My mother and I weren't able to discuss his life without "it" turning into a heated arguement so we stopped. Many words were left unsaid. Much was left unresolved. My ten year old niece hardly knows our family and her big sister has faint memories of her father. My brother's eldest two children are now adults and he'd be the world's greatest grandfather to baby Amor from his firstborn daughter if he were still among the living. On Father's Day I posthumously honor him before my own dad because he was the protective father figure I was blessed to know as my brother.
The LORD prepares us for circumstances we cannot predict nor prevent. I'm not into bloodshed imagery and am usually turned off quickly at the glance of, but strangely one afternoon while on the computer at work I found myself searching images of mortality. For a few-lengthy minutes I inspected several pictures of fatalities displaying dead bodies of many kinds. I'm not even sure how I got there or why I found a sudden interest in "it." At some point, I asked myself, "What are you doing looking at "this" crazy stuff?." Then I closed the pages and never revisited. "This" is key because behavior of such is simply not me.
My mom had been complaining of shortness of breath and labored breathing while doing normal daily activities. She saw her primary care physician weekly for months, then almost daily for a few weeks before she was hospitalized on June 12, 2014. When my aunt called me to let me know I felt something was more wrong than any doctor could fix. How I knew this, I'm unsure, but I felt a strangeness come over me that I can't draw any comparison's to. After work, I took my daughters with me to visit Granny.
When we arrived at the hospital and walked into my mother's room there she was sitting on her hospital bed looking exactly like no other than the diva she was. Her wig set in place with a hint of lipgloss on, she looked all right. She told us that the doctor said he wasn't releasing her until he determined where an infection she had was stemming from and not until all the test results came back. No need to panic as she seemed content, calm and comforted by being under close medical watch. "This" was on a Thursday night so we didn't stay with her long as she assured us she was fine and we had school and work early morning. I informed her that I might not stop by the next day because of the preplanned graduation celebration for another family member which she had originally planned to attend.
One "thing" stood out. I remember my mom seeming a bit surprised when I told her that I'd call her from work the next day. "It" kind of felt like she didn't want me to go to work, but she said nothing of the sorts. "This" feeling was confirmed when I got a call from my aunt that Friday morning around 10:30 a.m. She had said that my mom had been crying after speaking with the doctor earlier so I decided to leave work early to go check on her. When I spoke with my mother over the phone around noon she sounded in good spirit and told me not to take off from work then I barked at her stating I had all ready left so I'd see her soon. She asked me to stop at her house to pick up a few items to bring with me for her when I came.
I've failed to mention that when I asked my mom and aunt what the doctor said they both were very vague. My aunt said the doctor said it
looked like it might be cancer, but until the test results came in they couldn't be sure. I believe my mom knew. She knew that her time upon earth in the flesh was nearing the end months before, before her shortness of breath became shorter, before those frequent doctor's visits, in fact, I believe she knew even before 2014 began. I cannot explain how as it was her personal life's journey stepping onto the
stairway to Heaven.
When I arrived back inside of her hospital room that late Friday afternoon I witnessed a nurse tell my mother that the ambulance was about to take her to the oncology consultation center. I didn't ask any questions. I told my mom that I was glad I made it in enough time to accompany her to the center. Here is where it became clearer to me, that more was going on with the state of her health than she let on. As I was filling out the paperwork on her behalf, the specialist came in to explain why she was brought in. Of everything he said, what I heard loud and clear is that, "We want to help you breathe more comfortably. We do see a mass in your right lung that looks like a cancerous tumor, but cannot say for sure until we get the tests back. In the meanwhile we'd like to give you very small doses of radiation to shrink the tumor which may help your breathing."
I interjected and asked if it's found out later that she doesn't have cancer, how would these small doses of radiation affect her overall health. He replied not much at all. At this point I turned to my mom and told her that she didn't have to make any decisions now, she could pray on it and decide whether to allow the treatment. She stopped me and said, "Monique I trust the LORD. I want the treatment." I completed all the forms with the exception of her signature and I ommitted filling out the consent form. Although, I didn't agree, "this" wasn't the place or time for a debate about treatment options available to her for her medical condition so I stood in support of her decision as they prepped her for treatments to begin on the next day.
We didn't visit her on Saturday. Other family members and some people from our church did. I called her Saturday night to see how she was feeling and she sounded good. She told me that she had her first treatment and felt like it was helping her. I told her that we'd see her Sunday after church and we did. To me, she didn't look any better or worse. She did say that she was feeling a little tired from the treatment so we didn't stay long.
I must mention, that on Saturday, June 14, 2015 my mother was diagnosed with inoperable Stage IV lung cancer. Upon this confirmation, I believe my mom asked for the LORD to take her home to be with her parents, her son and those she's loved and lost whom had gone on all ready. She wasn't up for the physical fight with her flesh to endure the living battle under medical advisories for only GOD knows how long.
On my own time I couldn't stop thinking, "What if my mom is dying?" I shared my mother's diagnosis with an online friend and she provided some words of encouragement which I shared with my mother over the phone. I told her that her diagnosis wasn't a death sentence and not to allow any hampering thoughts to set in. She was glad to hear the words of encouragement I shared from my friend whom is also a cancer survivor.
We returned on Monday night to find a porta-potty positioned near her bed and her inability to get comfortable. Her breathing was more labored than I had ever seen and she wasn't talking a lot like we're used to. I asked her why was the porta-potty in her room when the bathroom was only a few feet further away. She said the medical staff was concerned that she might fall going to the bathroom because she was a little weaker from the treatments so they put it near her bed as a precaution and for her convenience. I did not like what I saw, but I didn't want to give into thinking the worse so I went with the flow. I pretended that I was okay and convinced myself that "this" was all a part of the healing process for her condition.
Tuesday's visit was somber. We could hear her breathing before we entered her room. My aunt had shared with me earlier that my mom refused the day's treatment because she said she was too tired. We walked in and she had her chin pressed down against her chest. She said that helped her to breath better. Before I sat down in a chair she asked me to help her sit up. Her physical strength was no longer present so I alerted a nurse to assist us. She was sitting up with her head bent down to her chest for only a couple of minutes before asking me to help her lie down again because she said she was still uncomfortable.
Believe it or not, my mother was still trying to pay bills online in her dying days. "That" is crazy to me. She was so concerned about the cable bill because she didn't want my uncle, her brother to be without it. I used her smartphone trying to pull up her account online, which I did, but couldn't logon because she couldn't remember the correct user id/password. I remember getting a little frustrated with her, but determined to make sure the bill got paid before leaving her that night. It was one of the final tasks I completed which was of importance to her while she was alive.
It got done!
Before we left that Tuesday night, I sat beside my mom on her bed and rubbed her back. I realized I was the chosen one to help comfort her. She wasn't married and didn't have a mate. Who was going to show her proper affection if I didn't? The medical staff wasn't family and unable provide the affection that I could. Here is where it became surreal to me. I needed to put my big girl shoes on and be there for my mom as much as I possibly could, regardless how nervous I was. I didn't want to give it much thought, but deeply I too knew. The end was near...
I shared with my eldest daughter on our drive home, that we were going to visit granny everyday and spend as much time as possible with her because she didn't look well to me. I had never seen my mom so weak. By the time we got home and after my kids were in bed, I called my cousin and broke down. I told her how afraid I was and that I thought my mother might be dying. She shook me back into reality with firm reassurance that I couldn't allow myself to think that way because it's not helpful. I wiped my tears away, said my prayers and went to bed.
On Wednesday nights our church has Bible Study, which my children and mother used to attend weekly. I took my daughters to Bible Study on my way to visit with my mother. She had a visitor when I arrived; one of the church members had stopped in to pray with her and even offered to stay the night with her. I didn't have any intention on spending the night, but after seeing how "this" lady was willing to miss Bible Study to keep my mother company I opted to stay overnight. My mom tried to convince me to just go home, but I'm glad I stood my ground. "This" was our last cognizant night together.
The next morning I kissed my mom and told her I'd be back after work. So I thought... I arrived at my job at 9:30 a.m. to get inside of the office long enough to turn on the computer before my cellphone rang. It was my aunt. She was calm, but said that the doctor had just spoken with my mom about end of life options and she told him that she didn't want any life-support. She only wanted her family around. I broke down while on the phone after hearing this and told my aunt that I was going to pick up my children and get there by her side as soon as I could. I hung up, called my daugher and told her to be ready when I get there because granny is dying and we have to get up there immediately. I then called my niece whom my mother raised and informed her. I walked back into that hospital at 11:05 a.m. My niece met us in the hallway and broke down and I reminded her that we didn't want granny to see us distraught.
We got our composure together and walked into her room. She now had the oxygen tubes in her nose, but was smiling and seemed surprised to see me back. I told her that I wasn't leaving her bedside and I didn't until the Simpson Family Mortuary staff came to pick up her lifeless body two days later.
I can now say only by GODs grace and the annointing of the HOLY SPIRIT upon me was I able to stand by my mother's side as she transitioned from her worldly temple to the HOLIEST with THE MOST HIGH!!!
TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY EVERY MOMENT OF EACH DAY WITH ALL THAT I AM.
