Fabulous Friday in Los Angeles!

Isn't it? 

We lived to see the ending of "this" week and surely, have accomplished some "things." 

Consider how many others who haven't... 

Count your blessings and enjoy the weekend! 

Two Days. Bye Nine.

"This" is the last Thursday, that my youngest daughter will be 9-years old. I remember when I found out that I was pregnant with her. I had just completed my Broadcast Journalism and Radio Production certification courses at Pasadena City College. Another unplanned pregnancy and I had no interest in becoming more serious with her father.

Why not? Don't be nosey!

Out of respect for my children, I will not publish anything negative about their fathers. Yes, "that's" plural. I have two children by two different men, that I never married. So what. I'm not the first mother with this background and I won't be the last.

Judge me, not. Only GOD!!!

My eldest was beyond excited to become a big sister. She yearned for a little sister and blessedly, her wishes came true. My little family of two grew to three on January 23, 2006. I must admit, their relationship is nothing like I imagined it'd be.

Each share my personality, but to the extreme in some areas with one not speaking out enough and the other talks a lot... Very much. One is quite stingy and the other is a bit too generous. They're both beautiful, intelligent and talented. Like me. ;)

With a 7 1/2-year age gap, we've faced our share of challenges, even though we've been a household full of estrogen. It's been difficult scheduling family outings and deciding where to go, because my daughter's preferences and levels of understanding, land on separate moons. I know, that they love one another, but they don't regularly exercise much patience towards each other and too often, I find myself playing referee between them.

One wants to do "this" and the other wants to do "that." One is too mature for "this" and the other too young for "that." One wants to bring a friend along because her sister brought a friend the last time. Oh, it goes on and on... Let's just be reminded, that girl's are really something else; never satisfied. 

So now, that my eldest will soon be an adult and on her way to college, my youngest will have the opportunity to have me totally at home. She yearns for more one on one time with me and when it's just the two of us, I'm more attentive to her needs. As one could expect.

My youngest has been eyeing her first double-digit birthday since she was 5-years old. She's only grown more anxious about it over the passing years because I told her the next birthday party she'd have, would be when she reached ten. So here we are, finally. 

"This" year, beyond her birthday a big change will come. Still, a family of three we'll remain, however, it'll be just she and I in our household when she begins the 5th grade once summer's over. "Things" will become quite different. I'm looking forward to it because as a single parent with two children, it's challenging balancing fairly between them.

The little one will soon get to experience what it feels like to be an only child within our household. I know that I shouldn't, but I've felt guilty about not being able to provide them both with everything they want and deserve. I've done my best thus far acting as a fair parent, but I haven't been in the position financially, to do a lot of the "things" my eldest experienced having me one on one for the first 7 years of her life.

So... On behalf of my youngest daughter, goodbye 9. Welcome 10. It's time for the little one to get her's in!

Still Writing. It's Wednesday!!!

How lovely it is to return here on my favorite day of the week: Wednesday. I can feel the momentum building deeply within me as I get into a new rhythm expressing myself in words. Writing is one of my gifts. One, I've been aware of most of my life, but do I love it?

Well, I do. Although, my former actions haven't really demonstrated a passion for it. Being shamefully-honest, I haven't really demonstrated a true passion for anything consistently, other than proving my righteousness when I'm being challenged or when I'm exerting physical energy.

I was reminded by a recent situation where my eldest daughter and I weren't seeing eye to eye, that my desire to be right and to win can cause more hurt than help in some instances. I had so much to say and so did she.

In our communicative manner addressing the problem, we both knew, that it wasn't helping us come to any resolve during our disagreement. It wasn't until we exchanged some pretty descriptive emails over the following days when I realized, that my daughter had said a whole lot more than I actually heard, while in the heat of our dispute.

As my eldest daughter finishes high school and becomes a legal adult just 5-months from now, there are levels of maturity, that I find necessary to exercise. We both can't be brats, while trying to work through challenges together. Yes, she's almost an adult, but she'll have to experience life as an adult before she can really see life through my lens. Stepping into battles about what life is with my teenage daughter is foolish on my part.

So, I've learned!

To demonstrate is much better than any explanation alone. Blessed with the gift of gab, I can speak to no end about what I feel is right, omitting no details. I've discovered, that a percentage of what I say just will not be remembered. By myself or the listener. I want my words and messages to stick; to remain as Top of Mind Awareness (TOMA) in people, that I speak to. Especially, when I'm talking with my daughters.

It is better, that I write out what I want remembered. The impact of revisiting what I've written prior, is just as effective and personally touching as it was when those words were only thoughts present in my mind. It's a real treasure to reread where I've been, to reminisce on past experiences, and to be reminded about the challenging situations I've overcome.

I have begun the change with the woman in the mirror; being me.

May my Heavenly Father continue to further develop and shape me as a leader in "this" life's journey as I take action "to do" more than just talk about it!!!

About Time! To Revisit.

Before I begin, I'm not allowing myself to think about how long it's been since I posted here. I'm here to remind myself what a great space I've created to organize my thoughts and to express them in the most positive way I'm capable of. In short, I need to be present here.

Right now!

So here I am. Each of my senses are in full tact with my determination to push past procrastination and to show up where I plan to. Baby steps work well and "this" particular moment is only a small fraction of my time today.

Everyday, actually!

I'm renaming today to Timely Tuesday. "This" will be my personal day of true structure. I wasn't born to do 7-days of structure and "that" is just a fact.

With each breath, through every passing moment, while I can I shall and gladly! Blessed beyond measure. I truly am.

I thank you LORD!!!

Twentieth. Friday.

Numbered days for each month and names for each day...

I'm affected by numbers and days of the week. The 20th day of each month will forever remind me of the last Friday I spent with my mom in the physical form. I've decided today, that I will not allow sadness to run rampant within me on either. This happens to be the first Friday on the 20th since that landmark date in 2014.

Twenty is now a new number I'll use for lottery selections when I play. Friday's will remind me of an accomplished week and a semi-break until Monday returns. I'm proud of myself and I know that my mommy's angel is in my midst. Eight months ago to date I was reborn.

When I screamed as my mother's spirit ascended from her flesh it was just like my first cry when I was first born. In that moment, I was one with GOD. Otherwise, the medical staff would've probably had to admit me. I never allowed myself to imagine life without my mother or brother. At the mere thought, I used to tear up and had to rebuke that frame of thinking. I just knew that my mom was going to be an old lady I'd be responsible for and I suppose I kind of thought my brother would get life in prison if he didn't leave the gang life behind.

Man was I wrong! So very wrong in my small human thinking. The LORD has bigger plans for my time. Not only was my mother spared from months, possibly years of suffering; I was spared the burden of putting my life on hold to care for my ailing mom and also, from the obligation I would've felt towards by brother had he ended up in prison for life. I am free. Free to be the woman I'm evolving as without being inhibited.

I was raised in a very controlled environment. Even into my adulthood I've been overly concerned about what my mother would say about my decisions and actions. I've taken a break from regular church attendance in order to rid myself from being concerned with what the saints might say or advise me to do. I'm ONLY following demands and orders from the MOST HIGH. Period. I don't have to answer to man and I will no longer seek human approval. Over "that" completely now.

I'm finally growing up at 37-years young! There will be no more drama running to mom and no more big brother to the rescue. I miss them immensely, but sadness doesn't overrule the lifetime of lessons and love I received which I'll keep locked inside my heart forever.

Right now I'm being made ready for my lifemate as I continue to do my best raising my children as a single mother. I'm in no hurry. During this season of preparation I'm finding myself again. I've been operating on autopilot for so long I had almost forgotten how to just live. I'm happily learning how to all over again and remembering how much I love myself. "It" feels fresh and brand new.

Today is now and at "this" present moment I am blessed. 

20th - FRIDAY

Been Avoiding. This Moment.

I've gotta let "this" out... I will not be overcome with emotion as I've thought. I'm doing "it." Today.

Before continuing with my blog as "it" was, I must first release "this." On June 20, 2014 at 10:45 a.m. I watched my mother stop breathing. Forever. I never knew I had the strength to stand beside her dying body as I found comfort in singing, "JESUS Love's Me" repeatedly to her for 36 hours. No one could've prepared me for the 8 days between her being admitted into the hospital and the final day I walked out of there facing my new reality; life without mom.

When my brother was killed at the end of 2003, losing him felt much different. I was angry most of all, but afraid and of no aid to my grieving mother. It was difficult being around her when it first happened because it made it all too real. I lived 20-something miles away and as long as I stayed away from my family, mainly my mother, I was able to deny the truth... Until, attending my brother's funeral on Dec. 13, 2003. I would've skipped it had it not been for my living need to confirm he was dead. I was no help at all to my mother during this time and she orchestrated his homegoing services with help from our church family and friends. THANK GOD for the BETHANY PRAYER TEMPLE family!!!

It took years before I was able to travel by the street where my big brother took his last breath. I would intentionally go out of my way to avoid the streets that Angelus Rosedale Cemetary sits between where he and my mother's bodies final destination is. My mother had T-shirts made with a picture of my brother on the front that I tucked and hid from view for several years. The most difficult task for me was visiting the mother of his last two daughters; one born 2 days after his demise. I had taken my brother to visit her the month before and it was in her home where he resided that became the last place I'll forever remember seeing him alive. It took time. A lot of time before the grieving turned into healing.

My mother and I weren't able to discuss his life without "it" turning into a heated arguement so we stopped. Many words were left unsaid. Much was left unresolved. My ten year old niece hardly knows our family and her big sister has faint memories of her father. My brother's eldest two children are now adults and he'd be the world's greatest grandfather to baby Amor from his firstborn daughter if he were still among the living. On Father's Day I posthumously honor him before my own dad because he was the protective father figure I was blessed to know as my brother.

The LORD prepares us for circumstances we cannot predict nor prevent. I'm not into bloodshed imagery and am usually turned off quickly at the glance of, but strangely one afternoon while on the computer at work I found myself searching images of mortality. For a few-lengthy minutes I inspected several pictures of fatalities displaying dead bodies of many kinds. I'm not even sure how I got there or why I found a sudden interest in "it." At some point, I asked myself, "What are you doing looking at "this" crazy stuff?." Then I closed the pages and never revisited. "This" is key because behavior of such is simply not me.

My mom had been complaining of shortness of breath and labored breathing while doing normal daily activities. She saw her primary care physician weekly for months, then almost daily for a few weeks before she was hospitalized on June 12, 2014. When my aunt called me to let me know I felt something was more wrong than any doctor could fix. How I knew this, I'm unsure, but I felt a strangeness come over me that I can't draw any comparison's to. After work, I took my daughters with me to visit Granny.

When we arrived at the hospital and walked into my mother's room there she was sitting on her hospital bed looking exactly like no other than the diva she was. Her wig set in place with a hint of lipgloss on, she looked all right. She told us that the doctor said he wasn't releasing her until he determined where an infection she had was stemming from and not until all the test results came back. No need to panic as she seemed content, calm and comforted by being under close medical watch. "This" was on a Thursday night so we didn't stay with her long as she assured us she was fine and we had school and work early morning. I informed her that I might not stop by the next day because of the preplanned graduation celebration for another family member which she had originally planned to attend.

One "thing" stood out. I remember my mom seeming a bit surprised when I told her that I'd call her from work the next day. "It" kind of felt like she didn't want me to go to work, but she said nothing of the sorts. "This" feeling was confirmed when I got a call from my aunt that Friday morning around 10:30 a.m. She had said that my mom had been crying after speaking with the doctor earlier so I decided to leave work early to go check on her. When I spoke with my mother over the phone around noon she sounded in good spirit and told me not to take off from work then I barked at her stating I had all ready left so I'd see her soon. She asked me to stop at her house to pick up a few items to bring with me for her when I came.

I've failed to mention that when I asked my mom and aunt what the doctor said they both were very vague. My aunt said the doctor said it looked like it might be cancer, but until the test results came in they couldn't be sure. I believe my mom knew. She knew that her time upon earth in the flesh was nearing the end months before, before her shortness of breath became shorter, before those frequent doctor's visits, in fact, I believe she knew even before 2014 began. I cannot explain how as it was her personal life's journey stepping onto the stairway to Heaven.

When I arrived back inside of her hospital room that late Friday afternoon I witnessed a nurse tell my mother that the ambulance was about to take her to the oncology consultation center. I didn't ask any questions. I told my mom that I was glad I made it in enough time to accompany her to the center. Here is where it became clearer to me, that more was going on with the state of her health than she let on. As I was filling out the paperwork on her behalf, the specialist came in to explain why she was brought in. Of everything he said, what I heard loud and clear is that, "We want to help you breathe more comfortably. We do see a mass in your right lung that looks like a cancerous tumor, but cannot say for sure until we get the tests back. In the meanwhile we'd like to give you very small doses of radiation to shrink the tumor which may help your breathing."

I interjected and asked if it's found out later that she doesn't have cancer, how would these small doses of radiation affect her overall health. He replied not much at all. At this point I turned to my mom and told her that she didn't have to make any decisions now, she could pray on it and decide whether to allow the treatment. She stopped me and said, "Monique I trust the LORD. I want the treatment." I completed all the forms with the exception of her signature and I ommitted filling out the consent form. Although, I didn't agree, "this" wasn't the place or time for a debate about treatment options available to her for her medical condition so I stood in support of her decision as they prepped her for treatments to begin on the next day.

We didn't visit her on Saturday. Other family members and some people from our church did. I called her Saturday night to see how she was feeling and she sounded good. She told me that she had her first treatment and felt like it was helping her. I told her that we'd see her Sunday after church and we did. To me, she didn't look any better or worse. She did say that she was feeling a little tired from the treatment so we didn't stay long.

I must mention, that on Saturday, June 14, 2015 my mother was diagnosed with inoperable Stage IV lung cancer. Upon this confirmation, I believe my mom asked for the LORD to take her home to be with her parents, her son and those she's loved and lost whom had gone on all ready. She wasn't up for the physical fight with her flesh to endure the living battle under medical advisories for only GOD knows how long.

On my own time I couldn't stop thinking, "What if my mom is dying?" I shared my mother's diagnosis with an online friend and she provided some words of encouragement which I shared with my mother over the phone. I told her that her diagnosis wasn't a death sentence and not to allow any hampering thoughts to set in. She was glad to hear the words of encouragement I shared from my friend whom is also a cancer survivor.

We returned on Monday night to find a porta-potty positioned near her bed and her inability to get comfortable. Her breathing was more labored than I had ever seen and she wasn't talking a lot like we're used to. I asked her why was the porta-potty in her room when the bathroom was only a few feet further away. She said the medical staff was concerned that she might fall going to the bathroom because she was a little weaker from the treatments so they put it near her bed as a precaution and for her convenience. I did not like what I saw, but I didn't want to give into thinking the worse so I went with the flow. I pretended that I was okay and convinced myself that "this" was all a part of the healing process for her condition.

Tuesday's visit was somber. We could hear her breathing before we entered her room. My aunt had shared with me earlier that my mom refused the day's treatment because she said she was too tired. We walked in and she had her chin pressed down against her chest. She said that helped her to breath better. Before I sat down in a chair she asked me to help her sit up. Her physical strength was no longer present so I alerted a nurse to assist us. She was sitting up with her head bent down to her chest for only a couple of minutes before asking me to help her lie down again because she said she was still uncomfortable.

Believe it or not, my mother was still trying to pay bills online in her dying days. "That" is crazy to me. She was so concerned about the cable bill because she didn't want my uncle, her brother to be without it. I used her smartphone trying to pull up her account online, which I did, but couldn't logon because she couldn't remember the correct user id/password. I remember getting a little frustrated with her, but determined to make sure the bill got paid before leaving her that night. It was one of the final tasks I completed which was of importance to her while she was alive. It got done!

Before we left that Tuesday night, I sat beside my mom on her bed and rubbed her back. I realized I was the chosen one to help comfort her. She wasn't married and didn't have a mate. Who was going to show her proper affection if I didn't? The medical staff wasn't family and unable provide the affection that I could. Here is where it became surreal to me. I needed to put my big girl shoes on and be there for my mom as much as I possibly could, regardless how nervous I was. I didn't want to give it much thought, but deeply I too knew. The end was near...

I shared with my eldest daughter on our drive home, that we were going to visit granny everyday and spend as much time as possible with her because she didn't look well to me. I had never seen my mom so weak. By the time we got home and after my kids were in bed, I called my cousin and broke down. I told her how afraid I was and that I thought my mother might be dying. She shook me back into reality with firm reassurance that I couldn't allow myself to think that way because it's not helpful. I wiped my tears away, said my prayers and went to bed.

On Wednesday nights our church has Bible Study, which my children and mother used to attend weekly. I took my daughters to Bible Study on my way to visit with my mother. She had a visitor when I arrived; one of the church members had stopped in to pray with her and even offered to stay the night with her. I didn't have any intention on spending the night, but after seeing how "this" lady was willing to miss Bible Study to keep my mother company I opted to stay overnight. My mom tried to convince me to just go home, but I'm glad I stood my ground. "This" was our last cognizant night together.

The next morning I kissed my mom and told her I'd be back after work. So I thought... I arrived at my job at 9:30 a.m. to get inside of the office long enough to turn on the computer before my cellphone rang. It was my aunt. She was calm, but said that the doctor had just spoken with my mom about end of life options and she told him that she didn't want any life-support. She only wanted her family around. I broke down while on the phone after hearing this and told my aunt that I was going to pick up my children and get there by her side as soon as I could. I hung up, called my daugher and told her to be ready when I get there because granny is dying and we have to get up there immediately. I then called my niece whom my mother raised and informed her. I walked back into that hospital at 11:05 a.m. My niece met us in the hallway and broke down and I reminded her that we didn't want granny to see us distraught.

We got our composure together and walked into her room. She now had the oxygen tubes in her nose, but was smiling and seemed surprised to see me back. I told her that I wasn't leaving her bedside and I didn't until the Simpson Family Mortuary staff came to pick up her lifeless body two days later.

I can now say only by GODs grace and the annointing of the HOLY SPIRIT upon me was I able to stand by my mother's side as she transitioned from her worldly temple to the HOLIEST with THE MOST HIGH!!!

TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY EVERY MOMENT OF EACH DAY WITH ALL THAT I AM. 

So I'm... Finally back!

Before I explain why I abandoned my blog for so long I need to write a letter to my present self...

"Appearance can be deceitful."

Dear Ms. Lampkin,

     I love you and I miss you living within the present. You don't have to continue recycling old thoughts, stressing about your future, nor do you have to feel guilty about the total woman you are now. Rid yourself completely from acting off of the influence of others. Be very careful with whom and where you lend your time and how you spend your hard earned income. You are special. Not everyone is worthy of your personal attention, affection and time. I know you've felt bad about that, but no more.

     GOD has blessed you with two beautiful daughters whom your influence directly impacts. Focus more on what they need from you versus the world.They're intelligent and respectable young ladies who believe in and love their mom. Embrace that with each passing moment. They're growing up quickly and there's no reversing the chronological order of age.

     You are more than just okay. You're awesome! Make yourself remember that daily by the moment. Time isn't getting ahead of you. Your thoughts are, so slow down and turn all that thinking into action. "We're on information overload," says your brain cells. There's nothing more you need to do to prove to yourself or anyone else how intelligent you are. Overtime you've become a wonderful actress... (giggling to myself).

Remember some of your best roles?

• Happy mom: You put on your best face most days for your children regardless how you really feel.

• Caring daughter: You show concern for your mom even though she's your most challenging person to deal with.

• Sweet niece: You are available to your aunts and uncle when they call upon you and you show up with glee.

• Fun cousin: You bring the entertainment by simply being you.

• Best friend: Your inner circle knows you as a rock, someone trustworthy and truly there when needed.

• Employee: You carry yourself with such professionalism people believe you're in a position of authority and rely upon your due diligence in every area.

• BPT Editor: You use your education and skills to create awareness and to highlight relevant information to the entire congregation. 

• Single woman: You stand strong against all odds and can depend on yourself.

• Inner little girl: You possess a sweet innocence untainted by your adult experiences.

• Human: You care about ALL mankind and naturally interact well with all cultures. 

Please promise to never again forget who you are and all the greatness within you. Also, be willing to share and open yourself to new interactions and possibilities. You've got precaution down to a science and you don't have to fear or worry about ANYTHING. GOD has you. He always has. You know this, now live and own it!!!

Love Always,

Your True Self